Raise YOUr voice

It’s time to wrap up all the confetti, streamers, buntings and banners for next year. Mar 08, 2018 and we will, dutifully, bring them back. It has indeed become an annual ritual with some of us. As humans we touched nadir when on FB we livestreamed the atrocity meted out to a minor by five animals and it attracted thousands of “likes” clicked on the live streaming. Really!!! Each day there are some new horrors that come to light. Yes, the media goes berserk, grabbing eyeballs and “selling” their conscience.

How much further can we, as humans, sink?

It is high-time we all rose to the atrocities perpetrated against women. Each one of us is part of the system. When I speak to students, I ask them some very hard hitting questions.

If you’ve watched bollywood movies which promote misogynistic ideas (even inadvertently), YOU’ve told the directors/ producers that you accept such ideas/ viewpoints. It’s a pure case of demand and supply. YOU demand and they supply. YOU asked for songs/ item numbers which portray women in a demeaning way/ objectify them. YOU’ve told them YOU want it. The onus lies ‘fairly and squarely’ on your conscience, buddy. Movies that promote the idea that ‘harassing a women for love’ is fine. Which promotes that ‘NO means MAYBE’; No it is NOT!!! Do a ‘Ranjhana’ and the girl will give in. The perpetrator needs psychiatric help – he can’t control his emotions. He can’t take a NO. He can’t handle daily rejections. You don’t need item numbers for movies to be HIT! We know that, right? A Dangal, English Vinglish, BMB, ZNMD, PK et al .. movies without item numbers and yet are box office successes.

Now is the Time to DO!!!!

These five basic steps could be the beginning. Just spread the word. Each one of us are responsible to make ‘Our Society’ the way we want it; the way we would like to have it. The way we would like to leave it for our children.

1.  Know YOUr Basic Rights. This is THE first step. Know that if you’re a women, you cannot be taken to the PS (police station) between last light and first light (sunset to sunrise). Know that the PS must have a lady constable. Know about zero FIR, which the SC has passed in a ruling recently. It says that the rape survivor can register in any PS (not necessarily the nearest PS), it can be done online, or registered post, even after weeks or months after the incident. The PS is mandated to record the statement.

2. Denounce Victim Blaming. Shaming her for the clothes she wore, the time or the place of the act or even her profession. Really? Each time we pass the blame to her, remember these are convenient narratives in support of patriarchal society and the mindset. It is NOT OK to strike/ perpetrate violence against women.

3. Have a Talk with YOUR family. Let YOUR family members know that a boy and the girl, both have same privileges. The rules acceptable for the boys are also applicable to the girls. Raise both of them with confidence. Let not the boy think that he can get away with anything. As parents we need to ‘teach our sons better’. #RESPECT. When the children see their father respecting mother, they take lessons for life.

4. Demand Actual Solutions. Candlelight vigils, sharing on whatsapp, blog on fb may raise awareness (and some just forward it for forwarding sake). It is more important we demand actual solutions. We need to denounce parliamentarians/ men in position of influence/ power to make such ridiculous statements like ‘chowmein is the cause of sexual atrocities’, jeans donning women ask for it, mobile phones or such absurd ideas. What we need to demand is rectify the sorry state of affairs; we need safer public transport, well-lit community spaces, faster processing of cases, higher conviction rates, sensitive handling of cases, national criminal register, and the list is endless. Let US begin. NOW .

5. Stop Forwarding Rape Jokes. It is NOT funny. STOP sharing, forwarding, sharing any/ every insensitive content. PLEASE . STOP . NOW . Reprimand those who do. It is these small things that YOU can do. People asked me in a number of sessions/ seminars, how do we know if it is risque? Hello? Really? OK .. put it through the grandmother test. If YOU can share it with YOUR grand mom, you can share it with your female colleagues. IF NOT, it is sexual harassment.

NO, means NO!!!

I believe, that if you’re not raising YOUr voice, YOU are complicit and according YOUr consent. Is this the legacy YOU would like to leave behind for YOUr children?

IF NOT NOW WHEN?

The rise in incidents of sexual assault brings to the fore the responsibility of the Society.

The unfortunate incident at the IT office in Pune on a Sunday throws up a pertinent question – How safe are Women in our society? Are we doing enough to make this planet a better place for them to live . love . laugh . It’s very easy to blame the organization and wash our hands off! Well that would be the Ostrich Approach. Find a scapegoat and Blame it on Rio! There are systemic fault lines that need addressing. In my last post, I mentioned that the other stakeholders in this conundrum, with whom the onus rests too! I’ll address each one of them.

Men. The question I keep posing to the YOUth invariably is: think 5/10 years down the line and imagine YOUr daughter walking down the street; do you think she’ll feel safe. If the answer is NO, then what are you doing about it? Each one of us are responsible. Remember, your silence is a form of consent and complicity. We need more men to have the Courage and Strength to stand up and be heard. YOUr voice counts. YOU make a difference.

Men have largely erased from much of the conversation that is centrally about men. The moment they hear, ‘Women’s Safety’, they take it as a ‘Women’s Issue’ and switch off from the conversation. If YOU think hard, YOU’ll realize that gender violence is largely about men perpetrating brutality on the fairer sex. And men conveniently have eased out of the situation. Buddy, remember, in each of such incidents, besides the perpetrator, present alongside the survivor was a man; be it the boyfriend, husband, brother. The men have let them down. They are the ones who couldn’t stand up to be counted.

And then there is this other issue. Dan Ariely, Prof of Psychology and Economics at MIT and George Loewenstein, Prof at Carnegie Mellon University came up with their findings. Their research examined the effect of sexual arousal, on judgments and decisions made by male college students. Students were asked to: (a) indicate how appealing they find a wide range of sexual stimuli and activities, (b) report their willingness to engage in morally questionable behavior in order to obtain sexual gratification, and (c) describe their willingness to engage in unsafe sex when sexually aroused. The results show that sexual arousal had a strong impact on all three areas of judgment and decision making, demonstrating the importance of situational forces on preferences, as well as subjects’ inability to predict these influences on their own behavior. Thus at the ‘heat of the moment’ the man is unpredictable; in fact so unpredictable, that even he has no idea what it can lead to and up to what extent he would compromise his principles/ scruples.(http://web.mit.edu/ariely/www/MIT/Papers/Heat_of_Moment.pdf).

A news channel had come out with a wonderful ad: Three goons board a bus and the eve teasers hand ‘accidently’ falls on the shoulders of a woman (Soha Ali) sitting in the bus. An old man hauls him up for his misdemeanour and the goon says, “it was only a hand, and it slipped. I say sorry”. And the old man quips, how come your hands don’t slip on your sister’s shoulders or a burning hot oven and ends it giving a slap on the face of the goon. And retorts, “Sorry, it was just my hand and it slipped”.  We need to stand up for such eve teasers and raise our voices. Each drop counts. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kk6Bi23Q7-E)

There are certain DON’Ts that every man must understand. (a) Please don’t expect sex in return for buying gifts. (b) And don’t pressurize to have sex; don’t emotional blackmail either. (c) Have the courage to accept a ‘NO’. (d) It’s NOT OK to use force. Under no circumstance can you justify the use of force, EVER. (e) A peck/ kiss doesn’t mean that intercourse will follow. Please. Let HER have the choice. (f) And avoid excessive alcohol/ drugs. They impair your judgment. Besides they let you lose control and deviant behaviour is seen as normal.

Men need to change the macho image. Get used to the fact that women have broken the glass ceiling and they can assert their rights. In patriarchal society, expressing emotions is seen as unmanly. Sensitive males are gentle towards women. You’ll be in connect with your feminine side. Cut off the meek, lame excuses like she provoked it, or she asked for it, or even the ridiculous – I was drunk.

With the nuclear families replacing the joint family system, both the parents are working parents. The onus to teach the children fairly and squarely lies on him too. The foundation of the issues are sown in the family. When the children see their father respecting their mother, they learn respect. Nothing short would do. When they see their father talking/ consulting the mother, they learn to value the opinion of the other half. Inclusiveness. Equality and fairness. Just. When they see their father helping the mother in the household chores, they learn sharing and caring. Responsibility. Duty. Parents need to teach their children better. With such role models in their own homes, they grow up well nourished and with a positive image of the other gender.

Respect . Love . Sharing . Caring . 

If the “boys” are delinquents, it’s our failure. We failed to teach them better. We need to think of the role models they see in the daily lives. The kind of movies that are churned out. The kind of lyrics and the kind of songs. Show me a society where the women are ill-treated/ not respected; and I’ll show you a society which is at the edge of the precipice.

How do I prepare for the Qs?

You’ve decided to join the industry! Great .. btw, did you decide which domain will you like to join? and Why? Which career choice and depending on your personality, whether you’d like to be in sales, customer service, hospitality, travel or the various other choices that are on offer. This is important and this is indeed the first step; as this will decide your ‘doing’ the job or ‘loving’ the job.

Having shortlisted and now preparing for the interview, I’m sure you’ve ‘investigated’ the organization that you’re planning to join. When did it set shop? How many employees? Its footprints and USP? Its clients, vendors and what do they say about them? What is their future, their values, mission and where are they headed? Lay hands on every tidbit that you can – including, preferably from some employees too! Also find out where you “fit-in” in the organization. This will give you an insight into their hiring mindset. If they’ve recently signed a big contract with ‘X’ Company, you would know they would require people to service ‘X’ Company, the technology, the particular vertical or horizontal.

Then comes the Big 5. The five questions, that you’ll have to answer. First and foremost is, Tell me something about you (in various forms/ different words). I touched very briefly about this in my previous post. Most of the interviewees, start off ‘reciting the CV’ (and the CV is right in front of the hapless Interviewer, Imagine!!). What do you think? They can’t read?  This is the biggest blunder you could do to harm your non-selection.

So what do you say? Tell them anything, which is NOT in your CV. Tell them things about YOU which will help them understand you better. Tell them your qualities, which are not reflected in your CV. Tell them things which helps them see how you’re a ‘good-fit’ in their organization. Connect this to the technology they are looking for and how you could work in this particular vertical or horizontal. (This also helps them understand that you’ve read up about the organization and you’re interested!).

2. What are your strengths? Relate your strengths to the role/job. And please give them examples of how you realized that you’ve these ‘strengths’ and not words picked up from Uncle Google! I’ve oft heard: “I’m a born leader”, and this is how the interview progresses.

Int: Why should I hire you? (Strengths).

You: Sir, I’m a born leader.

Int: Aha! great .. can you tell me what did you do in the recent past to display these leadership qualities?

You: Sir, I was the class monitor in Class IV. (You killed; 5,000-0). OR

You: Sir, it were these very leadership skill sets which got me nominated as the College CR. Sir, my role as CR necessitated me to interact on a regular basis to various stakeholders; the management, faculty, students, vendors and various outside organizations. This in turn helped me to hone my skills sets in conflict management, allocation of resources, prioritising and of course communication. (Int killed; 0-100).

3. Do you have any Weakness? If you’re even thinking of answering, NO! Start walking out of the interview room, NOW. Hello, even the Pandavas were in hell. Everyone has some or other weakness. So, do I tell them of my weakness?  They are very experienced in understanding when you are trying to speak of your strength and sell it as weakness. “Sir, I’m a perfectionist?” Hello!!! But for heaven’s sake don’t speak of your phobias as weakness, Ever.

Int: Do you have any weakness?

You: Yes sir, of the many weaknesses (DUH!!!), I’m afraid of lizards. (Believe me, I was told this by an aspirant and sir, I’m afraid of the dark!!!). (You killed; 100-0).

And please don’t mention any of your kinks!! Sir, at times, I lie – only white lies sir. HULLLLLOOOO! or at times I get angry! (and here you’re handling a very important client of the Organization and YOU think of throwing an anger fit!!!). A big NO-NO.

Any weakness you mention, it must be accompanied by four things. How/ when did you realize you had this issue? How did it affect your work? What did you do about it? What is its present condition?

What are your short term goals?

4. Your goal related Q. Your short term/ mid term goals. Please don’t mention your dream of being an entrepreneur (so, you join me to gain experience and you fly the coop). OR I want to pursue MBA .. and therefore you join me for what? Make this answer relevant to the Organization and the job. Plus how you’ll contribute to the growth of the company.

5. Last but NOT the least. Do you’ve any Qs for me. Please have. YOU better have. I made a mention in my previous blog too. Qs could be related to the Organization (again displaying, how much YOU know about the organization) and how it is relevant to you. Besides, you could always ask something like:

Int: Do you’ve any Qs for me?

You: No sir/ ma’am. (You Killed; 100-0).

You: Yes sir/ ma’am, I would have sometime in hand till I graduate/ join/ passout .. do you recommend I learn any new competencies like … (ones which they’re looking for) OR any fresh language I need to pick up.( Int killed; 0-500).

And as you walk out (with confidence), Thank them, wish them, smile and leave – without a fuss. Throughout the process maintain a very positive frame of mind and a pleasant demeanour.

Wishing you the very best … Go out and conquer the World.

Better safe than sorry.

In recent occurrences of woman molestation by the driver(s) of taxi services. Certain facts came to fore. It is imperative that we share these among our friends. The onus of being safe is ours. How do I take precautions that such incidents are minimised.

One. Most of the time you are unsure of their police verification and hence their credentials. In some cases, their social background, their experiences in their families all lead up to such incidents. So be wary whenever you are in such paid taxi services. You don’t know what kind of day he has had – moreso, at unusual hours.

Two. Invariably, it was found that the child lock in the cab/ car/ van was activated. Now it is important to know how does it work.

Child safety locks are built into the rear doors, to prevent rear seat passengers from opening the doors during transit. They provide the driver with a simple, safe & secure method to prevent unauthorized exit from the car. Although called a child lock it is equally effective for adult passengers.

The lock is typically engaged via a small switch on the edge of the door that is only accessible when the door is open. Once the door is closed, control of the mechanical type child locks is completely inaccessible to the passenger. When the child lock is engaged, the interior handle is rendered useless. In this state the passenger simply cannot open the door and are effectively locked in. The door can only be opened by someone lifting the outside handle, either a second person or by the passenger opening the window and reaching the outside handle.

What should I do? The first thing before you board the cab/ taxi/ van is to check, whether the child lock switch is ON or OFF. You would like to slide it into OFF position prior to shutting the door. Better safe than sorry.

Three. The next thing to do onboarding (especially at odd hours) is to share the details of the cab to your destination OR fone-o-friend, in the language the driver understands, that is hindi. “Yes, Neha, I’ve just boarded the cab. The number is (you got an SMS) OR just read out from the windscreen; DL 02 …… Yup, I should reach by … “Bhaiyya, Malviya Nagar tak kitna time lagega?” by 1.30 am. He knows that someone is waiting at the destination for you. Should you not reach in time, alarm bells will be sounded. Better safe than sorry.

Be Aware . Be Alert . Be Safe .