Do we truly fathom the capabilities of a Women?

This International Women’s Day, I was invited by an Organization to address its employees (WOMEN only) to empower them. A number of issues cropped up and I reach out to my esteemed readers for their views/ comments on the subject. I believe, discussing them, in a way, keeps us in ‘awareness’ and consciously we don’t do things which go to perpetrate these issues/ atrocities against women. 

The United Nations in its Women’s Empowerment Principles seek to point the way to best practice by elaborating the gender dimension of corporate responsibility. It acts an a useful guide for business, the Principles seek to inform other stakeholders, including governments, in their engagement with business.

1. Principle 1: Establish high-level corporate leadership for gender equality.
2. Principle 2: Treat all women and men fairly at work- respect and support human rights and nondiscrimination.
3. Principle 3: Ensure the health, safety and well being of all women and men workers.
4. Principle 4: Promote education, training and professional development for women.
5. Principle 5: Implement enterprise development, supply chain and marketing practices that empower women.
6. Principle 6: Promote equality through community initiatives and advocacy.
7. Principle 7: Measure and publicly report on progress to achieve gender equality.

I suppose these Principles are very good at the Policy makers level, if and when implemented. At least they give them a direction. But at the grass roots, I would like to elaborate Women Empowerment as to increase and improve the social, economic, political and legal strength of the women, to ensure equal-right to women, and to make them confident enough to claim their rights, such as:

1. Freely live their life with a sense of self-worth, respect and dignity.
2. Have complete control of their life, both within and outside of their home and workplace.
3. To make their own choices and decisions.
4. Have equal rights to participate in social, religious and public activities.
5. Have equal social status in the society.
6. Have equal rights for social and economic justice.
7. Determine financial and economic choices.
8. Get equal opportunity for education.
9. Get equal employment opportunity without any gender bias.
10. Get safe and comfortable working environment.

I strongly believe Women have the right to get their voices heard. I, at times wonder, is this asking for too much? A level playing field, which is fair, just and treats all humans as equals without any bias irrespective of gender.

I’ve acquired certain skill sets during my 25 years in the Uniform. I share these survival skills with women under my WOSAF (WOmen SAFety) sessions with special focus on SITCON (SITuation CONtrol) measures. How to come out a winner from such situations? How can I, my body, my mind react when faced with adversity? How can I use my daily things/ items to protect me? Where do I strike to have maximum impact? and all such queries. Now my question is, Women Safety is centrally about MEN, and conveniently, they are out of the discussion. They are not part of the conversation. Any women safety issue and men excuse themselves. Not only as perpetrators of the crime, even to defend the honour of your mother/sister/wife/daughter/GF, you need to know the basics of WOSAF.

How would you like to initiate a social change in order to see your daughter walk with her head held high, safe, across our Country? There are much talk happening, addressing these issues. Let each one of us, contribute in our small little way to make it a safer world for our Mothers/ Sisters/Wives/Daughters.

p.s. Mind you, I avoid the usage of Self Defence. The moment you use the word ‘Defence’, you go into a shell, a defensive mind set. 25 years has ingrained in me: Offence is the ONLY defence.

Be Alert . Be Aware . Be Safe .

The recent abominable incident in the land of ‘bhadralok’ wherein a four year old student was molested, soon followed by an alleged incident of molestation in air of a public figure. It brought to fore, certain indigestible truths. It is not the first time and definitely not the last time that we read about such incidents. And sadly, such incidents happen across the world and not unique to our country/ culture. Fact is

One. The societal standards have dropped. Pedophiles exist.

Two. Nobody seems to be safe. It’s not age. It’s not caste. It’s not your status. It’s not your gender. Anybody could be a victim.

Three. No point pointing fingers and passing the buck. WE, as a society have failed because the perpetrators have been thrown up by our society/ societal standards and by accepting such reprehensible acts as routine.

How do WE take care of ourselves. In my WOSAF sessions, I share knowledge gained over 25 years in the uniform to protect oneself. Yes, I believe, Offence is the best Defence. But how do you protect a child?

For ALL the Parents out there; here are some tips which should help protect YOUr child.

One. Buddy System. Follow this time tested practice from the Indian Army. Every child must have a buddy. Everywhere he/she goes, the buddy goes. If required, have different sets of buddies; one in school, one in the carpool/ bus, one in the society/ playground. Thus, when ‘bulbuli goes to the washroom, chulbuli too accompanies her’. The perpetrator is deterred. Also Chulbuli can shout, bring help. These should be taught to every child in school/ homes.

Two. Educate the child about ‘good touch and bad touch’. No secrets. Pay special attention to his/her behaviour. The child clamps up and goes into a shell, should some untoward incident happen. Communicate freely with the child.

Three. Believe the child. Take immediate steps to address the issue. It’s better to be suspicious now than regret later. Under no circumstance should the child be on a one-on-one session with anybody.

Four. When the child feels uncomfortable, they should be taught to ‘shout’. Scream!! Raise hell. Anything to attract attention. True for his/her friend in need of help too!

Five. Build trust with your child and keep no secrets. They are taught to share everything, good or bad. It is also the response of the parents that’ll be the cue the child takes for sharing. So Believe and build trust. And remember, it’s not the child’s fault. Period.

Six. The sharing should NOT be restricted to only unknown people but could be with known people too!!

Protect and nurture the innocence of the child BUT appraise them about ‘safety’ of their bodies and how some people would want to harm them. Presence of mind is good under these circumstances but absence of body is better. Avoid situations which could lead to/ offer perpetrators any chance for such disgraceful acts.

Raise your voice. Raise your concern. Raise your awareness.

How can I ensure WOSAF?

All the atrocities that get reported and all the actions that are taken post incident, somehow feels like ‘closing the stable doors after the horses have bolted’. Why don’t we initiate steps to prevent the occurrence of such incidents. A number of YOU’ve queried what could be some possible steps. Well let me enumerate some of the steps.

Report photos that exploit girls/ YOUng women, when YOU seen them on social media sites like fb/ insta. Raise YOUr voice and don’t have the ‘chalta hai’ attitude. This perpetrates crimes/ atrocities.

Be media literate & critical of what YOU see. Otherwise it becomes ‘normal’ and we get desensitized.  The media regularly uses images of violence against women and objectifies them. If YOU see ad ad/ commercial that is sexist/ degrading towards women – write/ email the company; don’t buy their products.

Interrupt sexist/ homophobic and transphobic language. Remember, words are powerful, especially when spoken by people who have power over others. Gendered name calling and sends a message that girls/ women are less than human. When they are seen as inferior, it becomes easier to treat them with less respect.

Interrupt abuse if YOU see something. If YOU’re at a party and your intoxicated friend is being led away by guys. Stop and help her get home.

Stop street harassment and don’t engage in any form of sexual harassment, such as catcalling and unwanted touching. And don’t let your friends and peers engage in such behaviour either. Don’t look the other way.

Stop victim blaming for how they choose to dress or judge their behaviour. Violence can’t be prevented through limiting the freedom of girls. This only allows the violence to continue because perpetrators become invisible and sadly those who witness remain silent.

Stop stereotyping men’s and women’s roles as they affect decisions in a relationship. YOU don’t have to prove yourself. YOU don’t become small when you help YOUr better half in sharing chores at home.

Remember violence is a choice, a choice that YOU make. Don’t make excuses for friends and peers who are violent. Stop supporting the notion that violence is due to mental illness or lack of anger management skills, alcohol or drugs.

Come up with an action plan for any situation. How would YOU react should people you know/ strangers are being abusive/ sexist. It is easier to interrupt ans stop abuse when YOU know what to do/ say. Stand up!!!

STOP using social media to proliferate jokes/ forwards demeaning women. Social media has an empowering effect. YOU can spread the word. When a friend/ peer tells a joke about girls/ women, say YOU don’t find it funny and let them know it is NOT okay.

Because IT IS NOT OKAY. We can make this world a better place to live for our Mothers, Sisters, Wives, Daughters … Stop and THINK.

Durga has been a warrior goddess: unmatched resolve, impassable, inaccessible, invincible, unassailable

My 25 years in the uniform has instilled in me a basic military tactics. ‘Offence is the only form of Defence’. In all my sessions on WOSAF (WOmen SAFety), I harp on this fact and share this fundamental rule. God forbid, you’re in a situation, where YOU need to act – Don’t wait for any opportune time … NOW is the time; always. YOUr mind should always be on the ‘Hunter’ mode – looking for options, seeking out escape routes, planning your next step ..

For a female, fighting back is the ultimate reversal. You become the huntress not the hunted, the predator not prey. When the only way out is through, you cannot just defend–you have to counter attack. There’s little to compare this to: YOU trade in your polite-self for your animal-self; you issue the ‘sic’ command and give YOUrself a carte blanche to go for the jugular. And remember offence is the only form of defence.

Always remember: FIGHTING BACK IS A LAST RESORT when nothing else will do. Your goal is YOUr safety, to escape. That said, a pumped up aggressor can withstand A LOT of punishment, so get your mojo in gear and be prepared to do what it takes to breakaway. Whatever it takes.

Never give up hope OR let futility set in. Futility is an enemy of survival; it’s enables paralysis. Even in a worst case scenario, an assailant or criminal may let his guard down (especially when he thinks he’s already won), presenting lucky breaks and opportunities to make your move and get away. Focus. Collect yourself. Stay on the hunt. YOUr body is the weapon. YOUr mind is the weapon. Surprise is YOUr ally.

Overcome the fear of injury. Always assess your situation, environment and skills.  Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by this fear. Remember: adrenaline is a wonder drug. It addition to supercharging the body it helps staves off pain. Use the environment: Can I head butt him on counter-tops, stairwells, hard surfaces or shove a person into walls/ hard ground? Be aggressive. Manhandle! Drop your center of gravity, widen your base, slink down into your hips and throw him away. Remember the last move of Dangal; the last bout – ‘dikhao kuchh aur karo kucch’. Feints . Duck . Ruse . Distract . Fake . Sham . Trick . Stall .

Attack the hands. Busting the hand(s) with a stick-like weapon or by slamming something on it can disable your attacker’s primary weapon: hands.  Knees could be broken with little force from the ‘wrong’ direction. All the joints are thus susceptible to slight pressure. Go for it.

Remember – Attack is the only form of Defence.

How can we address Women Safety issues and prevent such incidents?

I go back to the incident on Jan 29, 2017 in Hinjewadi, IT Park, Pune, where, in an IT firm, a women associate was working late on Sunday evening. She was found murdered in the conference room. A security guard was arrested for the crime. This has set us all thinking and a number of you queried, could this incident be avoided?

A short answer would be YES!!!

But the long answer is: we need to work very hard to get to that state where such incidents can be totally eliminated. The security cams capture the event BUT after the act. All the procedures & processes are in place and YET such incidents happen at regular intervals. What is the matter? Can something be done? Is there NO hope? What’s wrong?

On Mar 08th, International Women’s Day, while I was addressing a group of around 250+ women of an MNC, a number of them queried such and similar issues. I share lessons from the Uniform. The fact I’m alive is due to the Buddy I had and I’m ever thankful to him. Every women must have a BUDDY. In the civvy street, there could be buddies for different occasions; in office, for running, for partying, for trekking. Basically, they should be a pair; the perpetrators are dissuaded and if at all anything happens, the partner can seek help. You go to the washroom, buddy is the drink watcher. You go for movies together. You are together in the office. You need a BUDDY.

This is true for Children too; and we can address the Child Sexual Abuse issue with this. In parks, in playgrounds, in buses, in societies, in schools – every child has a Buddy! This in itself will be one major step in curbing such like incidents.

What else can be done?

Recognize the role of Gender in Violence. While boys and men do experience abuse it is important to remember that the majority of victims of abuse are female and the majority of perpetrators of violence are boys and men. More importantly, Gender Violence is centrally about men. They need to be part of all such conversations. Men need to show courage to stand up and raise their voice, be part of discussions and be sensitive to the issue.

Use social media to spread the word. Express your concern. Raise your voice. More noise we make the energy will get down to everyone and each of us will be gripped by the problem. Just calling it Women’s issue is the major part of the problem. It is centrally about men. So we need more men to be part of these conversations. Spread the word.

Report any abuse/ use/ exploitation of photographs of women/ girls on social media platform. Be media literate and critical of any such issue that comes to your notice. Each drop makes a difference.

Interrupt sexist/homophobic and transphobic language. Words are powerful, especially when spoken by people who have power over others. We have politicians who have come out with such reprehensible remarks. We need to condemn them. Don’t accept such statements. Seek public apology. Gendered name-calling is used and sends a message, that, girls and women are less than fully human. When girls and women are seen as inferior, thus, it becomes easier to treat them with less respect and ignore their rights. Changing the way you speak can change the way you think. Don’t circulate demeaning messages. Don’t share. Have the courage to stand up and say so.

Interrupt abuse. If you see a man get physical with a girl, say something to stop him from continuing to be abusive. If you are at a party and one of your peers or friends is intoxicated and being led away by a guy[s] stop him from being alone with her and help her get home. Help avoid such situations where they are vulnerable to exploitation.

Stop street harassment. Don’t engage in any forms of sexual harassment, such as catcalling, and unwanted touching. And don’t let your friends and peers engage in those behaviours either! It’s not just enough that you don’t engage in those behaviours, be empowered to speak up against friends and peers who do! Don’t look the other way!

Stop Victim Blaming. Don’t blame women/ girls for how they choose to dress or judge their behaviour. Violence can’t be prevented through limiting the freedoms of girls. This only allows the violence to continue because perpetrators become invisible, and those who witness remain silent. It is their choice and as long as they exercise the choice by full import of its repercussions, take adequate precautions, and choose. Men cannot take this as an excuse to pass the blame. 

Stop Rape Culture. One way to stop rape culture is by not allowing people to perpetuate rape culture through minimizing/normalizing rape through jokes. When a friend or peer tells a joke about being violent against women/girls in some way, say you don’t find it funny and let them know that it is not okay. It’s NOT OK!! Period.

Educate yourself on the roots of violence. Violence against women/girls stems in a patriarchal society, where men have overbearing control. Create safe spaces to discuss gender violence. Create an after office club/group where you can openly discuss your views and experiences and support your peers. Educate people around you. Sensitize your workforce. Confront yourself/your ideas. Reflect on your beliefs and why you have those beliefs and your actions, and opinions. Be honest and admit your faults and commit to changing the way you think and act.

Stop stereotyping men’s and women’s roles-Social roles and expectations may affect a man’s decisions about relationships. Men are taught that expressing feelings is not masculine. Examining your social role and learning ways to express feelings directly and non-violently can help to create deeper and more meaningful interpersonal relationships. You don’t have to prove yourself.

Be Supportive. When women tell you about violence they have experienced in their lives believe them. It is extremely rare for girls to make up a story about rape or abuse. You may be the first and only person she tells. Believe her and support her decisions, without being judgmental. Parents need to be approachable. The scar of such incidents can last life-long. You need to understand and reduce the pain. Don’t victimize her. She didn’t ask for it.

Talk to others about ending violence and be a mentor. Volunteer your time to preventing violence by speaking to others. This brings awareness to the issue, which will motivate others to act. Understand consent. Boys and young men need to be respectful when entering into a sexual relationship and should not feel entitled to girls and women’s bodies. Just because you are a ‘nice guy’ does not mean you should have any expectations. Like Thordis Elva mentions, I trusted Tom (Stranger). They had come to know each other when Tom came to Iceland on a Student exchange program. Like a knight in shining armour, he took her home, when she was intoxicated. Laid her on her bed and raped her.

Remember gender violence is not an individual issue. We all have a role in ending violence against girls and women and it is important that we all take responsibility in ending the violence. As a society, we need to mature and respect every human being.

This is a crusade and we need to be part of this scourge of Gender Violence.

We can make a DIFFERENCE . Raise your VOICE . Make your voice COUNT .